I’ve been wanting to write you this note for so long. And tonight, as I sit with you in my arms listening to Da and Sissy belting out princess songs in the other room seems like the perfect time. Your 8 months old and just starting to get frustrated with the fact that you want to do more than you can. And I feel like you just popped out of me and I blinked and now we’re here - teetering on the edge of a precipice. We’re about to dive headfirst into the incredible beautiful chaos that is you becoming your own person while I simultaneously try to support you in doing so and support myself while letting you go - and not losing my shit in the process.
But instead of this, instead of moving forward, I want to revel in your baby-ness. I am really trying to be more present in every moment with you. Trying to remember the touch of your chubby hand on my chest while you nurse, your perfect little body curling into mine while I hold you. Trying to hold on to the intensity of your loving gaze when I am pushing you along in the stroller, when you catch my eye from across the room, or when we’re playing - just you and me - and your face is full of giggles. I want you to know that I have never felt so seen and loved as I do when you look at me like that.
I want to ingrain these tiny fleeting moments into my mind and my heart. I do not want to forget them or have them replaced with new memories. I feel like I’ve already forgotten these same beautiful moments with Charlie and that was only three years ago. It is impossibly heartbreaking for me that these little moments seem destined to be dust in my grey matter. So I am soaking them in hoping to let the steep for longer and leave their stain upon my heart.
While I know we have a lifetime of memories to build and cherish together, I’m already nostalgic for this one, the moment we are in, right now. You cuddled softly in my arms, the occasional deep release of breath as you snuggle in closer. The feel of your perfect little head on my lips as I lean in to kiss you. The intoxicating smell of you, my perfect baby boy. I want this moment to never end.
I love you more than words can ever express. Always and forever.