This is my journal entry from the day I thought my water broke. I've debated sharing it but I decided I wanted to because it helps to show my thought process to overcome my anxieties and fears and maybe that can be helpful to you.
I am sitting here in tears. Tears for so many reasons. I think my first gut thought is I’m terrified. I am afraid of this birth. Because of Charlie’s. Because I only remember that experience as traumatic. And because I feel like I should have prepared better for this birth. I should have done more breathing exercises and more exercise in general. My illogical logic makes me think this birth obviously will be traumatic too. But I am too in my head on this. I have to reread my birth story. I have to remember my power.
That kind of helped. It kind of just made me feel like I don’t want to do this again.
But I do. I want to meet Romeo. I want to be the powerful mama I know that I am.
I am not afraid
I can do this
I trust my body and my pain
I am powerful
It’s not pain, it’s power
Breathe in light and love, breathe out pain and fear
I am not alone, I am surrounded by love and support
I am ready to meet Romeo
I’d be lying if I also didn’t admit that some of my fear or anxiety or sadness in this moment is about Charlie not being my only baby anymore. And if I'm being really honest, I haven’t visualized my life with Romeo in it. When I was pregnant with Charlie I felt like I knew her before she ever came out; I could see my life with her. I haven’t done that with Romeo. Maybe because I haven’t had the time since Charlie is here now or maybe because I’ve been afraid to after the miscarriage. But it doesn't matter why, it’s just complicating my thoughts and feelings right now.
I just need to remember to be here now. Be present, let these thoughts come the way they came - effortlessly. Focus on my breathe and my body. Will it to open. Will it to help bring him home. And everything will beautifully fall into place. The universe has my back. Always has always will. The universe conspires to support me. In my last birth I was one with the universe. I felt my body connect on the infinite plane - I had no body.
I am one with the universe. And if today is the day, the universe will help me through it.
Breathe in light and love, breathe out anxiety and fear.